It's almost midnight again!!

Had a hugely busy day. We had RCIA at the mission tonight. It is going to be an interesting year. We have a baptist, a lutheran and cogic amongst us. And a few who have never been baptized or churched at all.

Very lively discussion.

I am in apologetics 101 boys and girls.

Aaah. Confession!

I feel so much better. Because I went to confession today. I needed to do that. After a couple of weeks of struggling, I had spiritual direction today and then I went to Adoration. During my Adoration time I just kept trying to pray and pray about what my director and I spoke about, but I felt blocked. Like there was a wall there that grace could not penetrate. And all of a sudden I realized that I needed to go to confession. I had to make some quick decisions because I had other things going on, but I kept feeling the pull to run to the church where I knew confessions would soon be going on.

So I went and stood in line. And thought about all of the obstacles of sin that were tying me down. I knew that the first thing I had to confess was the amount of time it had been since my last confession. I didn't think about the exact day of my last confession, but I figured it to be a couple of months, and that is way too long. Afterwards, I realized that my last confession was in June. In June. No way that I should have waited that long. I know that now.

And I cried as I confessed. I had to get these things off of me, and I really felt Jesus' presence through the priest. I was giving it all to Him. After the last couple of weeks of really struggling during Adoration, feeling like He wasn't there, like I couldn't trust myself to hear His voice, I left the confessional after being absolved and knelt in front of the monstrance, and I heard these words, "Welcome back my daughter". I was free. Free from the sin that had weighed me down.

I feel lighter. My load is not as heavy. No, all of my problems have not been solved, in fact it has been really crazy in my home today! Lots of stupid things to stress a person out. But spiritually, I am so much better, and when I am spiritually better, I can handle the piddly day to day stuff.

So learn from me people. Don't wait forever. Go. You will feel better. Trust me on that one!

Just another reason why I love being Catholic. Aaaah, confession. It does a soul good.

One of those days!

I just had one of those days. The kind of day where you get a mixture of things. Some really, really good, some not so good. Not hugely bad things, just those small annoying things that stress you out. And that is not good when you are already stressed. Sigh.....

This is the first time today that I have had a chance, well, except for my Adoration time earlier today, to sit and just think about my crazy day. And this is my summation. The devil works super hard to make our lives miserable. I am so happy that he hates me so much. I must be doing something right. So I am going to ignore the things he did to stress me out and focus on the fact that I am sitting in my nice, warm home. My children are in bed, the youngest ones are asleep. We have all been fed today. My oldest daughter is thriving at college, just started a pro life group there, is getting all kinds of recognition for her studies and her future career. My second oldest is on retreat and she usually gets a lot out of these things, so I bet she is soaring right now. I have so much to be thankful for.

Perspective, right? And knowing how to be grateful. I have to choose joy and gratitude and be thankful always. Good or bad. No matter what. Thank You God. Thank You for this really crazy day. Thank You for the moments that were really, really good. Thank You for allowing me to see one of my missionary sisters in a whole new, wonderful way. I am going to pay for it, but it will be worth every second!

When you say "yes" to God, wow, it is a wondrous journey. I know that some of you already know what I am talking about.

It's St. Faustina's feast day. She is the patroness of our mission where we are missionaries. And let me tell you, whew, I am glad this day is over. So happy God lets us start fresh everyday. I am so pooped, sleep is going to feel good tonight.

Happy Feast Day St. Faustina!

Love is....

Okay. So I feel like maybe I should explain what I meant yesterday. When I say that I struggle with loving and expecting nothing in return, I am not talking about material goods, or thank yous or anything like that. I have someone in my life that has done that to me all my life. If she does something for me out of love, she expects fireworks, handwritten thank you notes by the dozens and if she doesn't get that, she withdraws her love. I grew up with that, and I have worked really, really hard, not to be like that.

When I love my children, I give freely. I don't expect a lot, cause they are kids, and heck, I am their mom. I love them with all of my heart so I do things for them out of pure love. With my hubby, I expect love back, but this is a marriage, so I am certain I will get it. Now sometimes I don't feel very loving, or he doesn't feel very loving, but all in all, we love each other very much and neither one of us is going anywhere. We have been here 20 years and we like it here!

Then there are the people I serve. I don't expect a thank you, much less any love being shown. Some of them are just incapable of it. That's okay. I love them as best as I can, and I have learned over the years that the ones who love back are few and far between. But again, I honestly don't expect anything. I just love for love's sake.

My stumbling block are the people in my life whom I consider very close friends. I don't have a ton, though I do have many friends. Just a few that I would call really close. And not very wisely, I expect that they are going to love me to the same degree that I love them. And when I think that they don't, I get jealous, prideful and unhappy! And sometimes, we are not someone's cup of tea, and that is okay too. Not everyone is going to love me, that doesn't make me or them a bad person. That is just the way it is.

So this is my struggle. Loving all who God puts in my path without counting the cost, without comparing myself, and wondering why I am not good enough. I guess that stems from my childhood as well, and only God can heal me of that.

But I am on the right road, and lately I have just been focusing on how Jesus loves me. How God loves me. I am smart enough to know, that when I can truly understand how much God loves me, it won't matter one bit whether or not anyone else does. And that is what I am working on right now. So keep me in your prayers and if anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to write them. I am open to anything that might help me on this journey.

God is good and He will help me through this. I believe it.

Last minute post!

So I only have a few minutes before this will be considered a "tomorrow" post, so I have to make this one short. I am keeping to my posting once a day. Gotta stick to it!

My community is getting ready to celebrate St. Faustina's feast day and so we started a Triduum yesterday. (hope I spelled that right. Why do I think spellcheck won't know the difference?) Tonight was all about "pure love" and boy do I struggle with that. You know, the "love is patient, love is kind" thing. Loving and not expecting anything in return. Who can do that? I would love to attain that. My dearest hubby says it ain't possible because that means perfection and no one can fully attain that. I am glad he said that, cause I couldn't see me achieving that in my life time. I suppose the closest I come is with my children, and even they can get on my last nerve if they don't give me sweet kisses!

Still, I do want to try harder to love and have less expectations of people. That is a HUGE problem of mine. My wise old hubby says, "keep your expectations low! Then you will never be disappointed." I bet you are thinking, "wow, what a blessed woman to have such a smart, all knowing husband." Nah, it can get really annoying! Ha. Just kidding honey. Just kidding.

I know I will write more about this later but all I want to say is, why is love so hard?

RIP - Doc

Tonight the man who was my trainer for becoming a missionary, passed away. Now, when I say he was my trainer, you might think I mean he was a missionary before me, maybe one of the leaders of the mission. But no, that is not what I mean.

"Doc" as we all knew him, trained me by being one of the first people I had to deal with when I first came to the mission. I had no idea. Looking back, I really didn't. So about a month or so after my own alcoholic father passed away suddenly from a stroke, God sends me Doc. Doc was an alcoholic who looked much older than his years. A lifetime of alcohol and being out on the road will do that to you. But it was like God led him right to my family. I had lost my dad, the kids their grandfather, and then we meet Doc.

Doc loved my family. My son John Paul who is now eleven was just a little over a year when we first started helping out. Doc helped John learn how to walk. Our family would go to pick up garbage around the mission and when John Paul got tired of being in the stroller, Doc would walk him around the mission. He had endless patience with John's slow steps. He would just walk around in circles with him. One time one of my children fell in the snow and Doc hurried scooped up the child and dusted him off, so loving and so gentle. That was so many years ago now, but I still remember it, because I was thinking about how someone who could seem so crass to the rest of the world could be so gentle with a child.

Doc had his share of problems. Oh, like he thought he was God. Literally. If someone said, "Thank you God," in his presence, he would say," You're welcome". He also thought he knew better than the Catholic church. He was always trying to get my husband to join the seminary he was going to start because he knew better than some of these priests and he was gonna do it himself.

Doc could also be very annoying. Especially during Mass. He would shout out, "Alleluia" all during Mass. And when I say, all, I mean, ALL! Some people got used to it, I never did. Sometimes I have to admit, it aggravated the heck out of me. But that was my training ground because there are a lot of things at the mission that I have to overlook, no matter how aggravating they can be. People can be annoying. I know I can! I once told my brother missionary Eddy, "If I didn't have to deal with people all the time, I would be perfect!!! It's when I have to deal with others that I mess up. And it's all their fault!" Eddy and I had a good laugh over that one. Wouldn't we all be perfect if we didn't have to deal with others?

Doc had a tough life. I saw him fall for a woman once. A woman much younger than him who was an even worse alcoholic. He loved Sally so much. She died a few years back from alcoholism. He was at her funeral and he talked to me about how sad her life was. She came in and out of his life, but he took her back every time. He felt sorry for her. I think she was the love of his life. I saw the compassion in him at that time.

But alcohol consumed his life. He couldn't stay away. And he could B.S. with the best of them. He was like a cat, nine lives, not only health wise, but jail wise too. He was always one drink away from being put in jail, but the guy always managed to get out of things. Amazing. He has been physically ill for so long. I remember one Easter vigil a few years back when I honestly thought the guy was going to go into cardiac arrest in the aisle. I pictured my children bawling their eyes out while daddy did CPR on Doc. Blessedly that was a worry that only happened in my head and not in real life!

Over the last couple of years, Doc hasn't been around as much. I think it was getting too hard for him to walk down the street and come to the mission. So my encounters with him were actually quite pleasant at the end. Still, I will miss him. I have already cried a few tears over his passing and I know, being the emotional mama that I am, there will be plenty more.

I mean how could I not? When I look back on things, he is one of the reasons why I became a missionary. The people you help get under your skin, sometimes irritatingly so, but you discover how to love. Really love. Without thinking about what you are going to get out of it. And people like Doc have taught me how to love better and better.

Rest in Peace Doc. May God grant eternal rest unto your precious soul.

St. Therese and Roses

I was thinking today, as I have many times lately, about how my room is going to be crowded when I am dying. It's not because I have a ton of kids and someday grandkids, and adoring crowds to fill that room, it's that I envision all my very favorite angels and saints gathered around me, waiting to take me to heaven.

One of my favorites is celebrating her feast day today. That is St. Therese. I have loved Therese from the time I was a little girl. I used to read this huge saint book in our Catholic Elementary school library all the time. The librarian used to tease me because I was the only one who took it out. And I did that a lot. I just loved to read about the saints. And I never was afraid of the martyr's stories or anything. I just thought the saints were so fascinating. And so I began to know them so well, I just thought of them as friends, and one of my closest was Therese.

Please tell me that I am not the only one out there who can really see the saints as friends we can count on. It's weird because I always felt that I knew saints like Therese, personally. Like when I do finally see her when she comes to take me home, it will be like we always knew each other. Know what I mean? I am looking forward to spending a lot of time with her in eternity, just talking and catching up on lost time.

Therese is so interesting and when I see pictures of her, I just know I would have loved being her friend. She is so pretty and she has such a sweetness about her. When I drive by the Carmelites, down the road from my house, and see one of the Sisters working in the garden, still dressed as Therese dressed, I smile and get teary eyed. I always say, "Thank you Therese, I feel even closer to you now." I can just see how she must have looked working in her garden, such innocence and purity. How can I not love her?

I love being Catholic. We have such great friends in the saints. Sometimes I make myself crazy, thinking I have to be just like this one, or just like that one. But God always lets me know that I am making my own way, my own life as a saint. I don't have to live like anyone else, He just wants me to be who I am. Yes, we should study the example they set, and even take on some of their ways, but each of us is unique and wonderful. Just the way God made us.

So sometimes I take a little from Therese, a little from Faustina, a little from Teresa, a little from Claire, and on and on. But then I take on Michelle, me, and I try my best to become who God wants me to be. He has a plan for my life. I just wish sometimes He would take out a billboard and let me know if I am headed in the right direction!

So Happy Feast Day my dear, dear friend Therese. When you get a chance, send me a rose that lets me know I am living in God's plan. A white one will do.