I have been writing such serious stuff lately, I thought maybe I would write something a bit more light. But I have to write about the things I think about,or am going through, and lately, it hasn't been light.
Today, I was thinking that I need to shut up. Sometimes, I just need to shut up. I don't allow the kids to use that phrase, in fact, in our household it is equivalent to a four letter word. But it is appropriate in this case.
I decided today that I need to stop myself from saying what I am thinking sometimes. I wish I had a built-in pause button, so I could stop to think, "Are you about to say something negative about someone?", and if the answer is "Yes", I would then redirect myself. And stop the verbal garbage from coming out.
Did you ever notice that even if you catch yourself in the middle of it, and you are standing there thinking, "I know I shouldn't be saying these things, maybe I should just stop now", a part of you thinks, "What the hay, I am already into this, why stop now?" and that is the part of you that wins out. Even if the teensy, weensy part of you is feeling like it took a football to the gut, you just can't stop the verbal diarrhea.
So, during Mass today, I prayed that God would help me to change this in myself. That even if I forget and am in the middle of it, I will have the strength and grace to stop. Apologize and change the subject. Sometimes, I feel like St. Faustina, who became discouraged when resolving to change something and then totally blowing it in the first hour. I, even more than St. Faustina, rely on myself. And I can't do that.
I need God to change my heart. I need God to change my thoughts. That is where the damage starts. In my heart and in my mind.
But I know one thing for sure, it has to change, right here, right now. And I need God's grace to do that. I am working on my holiness. With God's guidance, grace and love.
Even though like St. Faustina, I know once I get through one obstacle, ten more will take it's place. Life. Leads us to heaven, right?