I admit it. I am one of those people that when the going gets tough, I sit down and bawl my eyes out. Then I panic. Then I sit down and bawl my eyes out. I am so lacking in strength and perseverance.
I have been thinking about this as I sit and wait each early evening for my son Jacob to get out of soccer practice. Cause Jake has perseverance. See Jake is not the best kid on the team, heck, Jake is happy when the coach puts him in at all, but Jake, since school began this year, is gone from early in the morning to early evening between school and practice. He knows he is not the best kid on the team, but he works like he is the star athlete, like the team won't make it without him. He has made friends, and he works so hard. I watch him running, and I know he struggles because he doesn't always have the natural stamina it takes, but, and this is the most important thing, HE NEVER GIVES UP. And it doesn't matter to him what other people think, he is out there making friends and having fun. And working hard. And learning something valuable in life that his mother has not learned yet.
That is doesn't matter what anyone thinks. That if you want to do something, just do it, not for anyone else, but for you. And ignore everything else. I mean this in a good way. I am not talking about getting into things that are sinful or bad for you.
Let me explain. I am struggling right now. I am struggling as a missionary and I am allowing others to influence me, my moods and my decisions. I am not the best missionary. I don't always have the stamina it takes. I am not always good at my tasks at the mission, and many of my jobs that I have there do not come naturally to me. My head knows that I must persevere for Christ. But too often the judgements, or comments, or ugly treatment from others, allows the devil in my heart, and then I think I am not good enough. So I struggle alot.
It makes me want to run far away. That's where I am tonight. Feeling sorry for myself, ready to give up. Upset that I don't have the perseverance to do what needs to be done.
I wish I could be more like my son. My eyes fill up with tears when I think about him running around that field, doing his best and ignoring everything else.
And maybe tonight, maybe God sees me that way too. Maybe He sees me trying and trying. Seeming like I am not getting anywhere. But He is proud of me too, and His eyes are full of tears, watching a daughter fight for souls, as best as she can.
Maybe I will stay. And learn about perseverance.