I just read something over the weekend on one of my favorite blogs, Conversion Diary. The writer was talking about going into a time of Adoration while on retreat, and everyone was taking Kleenex, preparing themselves for an emotional time. She took some too, expecting she would have a "moment". And then nothing happened. She felt nothing.
I loved that she shared that. That happens to me too. It's not that I feel bad, or angry, just nothing at all. Like, "here I am. Go ahead God. Do Your thing". And nothing happens. Sometimes I just feel content, life is good and I just sit quietly before Him, just happy to be His kid, but not emotional about it.
Sometimes I sit there and I am thinking about what to make for dinner, or "is that really You, Jesus?" Or, "why am I here, I have a million things to do!" But I figure, just being in His presence gives me the graces I need. Sometimes I am anxious about things, can't keep my mind on anything, but gradually, I find my shoulders relaxing, my teeth stop grinding, my jaw becomes loose, and I feel peaceful inside. I still don't have the answers to my problems but I feel calm. And when I leave I have a more peaceful, calm attitude.
The thing we have to remember is that sometimes we feast, and sometimes we have famine. If we can be happy, calm and grateful no matter what, God will reward us. Sometimes we will have consolations, sometimes we will suffer, and sometimes, we will just feel ......nothing. And that is okay. Blessed Mother Teresa, St. John of the Cross, and St. Theresa of Avila, just to name a few went through various forms of this. It's always holding deep inside the belief in God, trusting in Him through everything, no matter what comes down the pike, separates the men from the boys, the goats from the sheep, the cowards from the cowardly.
I am going through a mini time like this. Where I just feel kinda blah. Not bad, not good. Just blah. Trusting in Him to get me to the other side. I know it could be because I am tired, and the devil loves to work on me when I am fatigued. I think he looks at me and says, "ooh good! She got up early, Teresa is not sleeping, she is ready for some of my action." Except that I am praying the St. Michael prayer, and I already am on to his ways, I know he tries to get me when I am tired. Today I feel blah, tomorrow I could be crying, the next day, all will be well. Or this could go on for weeks. But I doubt it. God is good, I trust in Him.
So I will go to Adoration later today, and maybe I will be planning my dinner, or crying about being tired, or praising Jesus because He touched my heart. Any which way it goes, I will be in front of HIM, and that is all that matters.
"He wraps Himself in light, and darkness tries to hide, and trembles at His voice, and trembles at His voice. How great is our God......"
When I am with Him, I am safe. He is God. Today, tomorrow, forever. Amen.