Okay. So I feel like maybe I should explain what I meant yesterday. When I say that I struggle with loving and expecting nothing in return, I am not talking about material goods, or thank yous or anything like that. I have someone in my life that has done that to me all my life. If she does something for me out of love, she expects fireworks, handwritten thank you notes by the dozens and if she doesn't get that, she withdraws her love. I grew up with that, and I have worked really, really hard, not to be like that.
When I love my children, I give freely. I don't expect a lot, cause they are kids, and heck, I am their mom. I love them with all of my heart so I do things for them out of pure love. With my hubby, I expect love back, but this is a marriage, so I am certain I will get it. Now sometimes I don't feel very loving, or he doesn't feel very loving, but all in all, we love each other very much and neither one of us is going anywhere. We have been here 20 years and we like it here!
Then there are the people I serve. I don't expect a thank you, much less any love being shown. Some of them are just incapable of it. That's okay. I love them as best as I can, and I have learned over the years that the ones who love back are few and far between. But again, I honestly don't expect anything. I just love for love's sake.
My stumbling block are the people in my life whom I consider very close friends. I don't have a ton, though I do have many friends. Just a few that I would call really close. And not very wisely, I expect that they are going to love me to the same degree that I love them. And when I think that they don't, I get jealous, prideful and unhappy! And sometimes, we are not someone's cup of tea, and that is okay too. Not everyone is going to love me, that doesn't make me or them a bad person. That is just the way it is.
So this is my struggle. Loving all who God puts in my path without counting the cost, without comparing myself, and wondering why I am not good enough. I guess that stems from my childhood as well, and only God can heal me of that.
But I am on the right road, and lately I have just been focusing on how Jesus loves me. How God loves me. I am smart enough to know, that when I can truly understand how much God loves me, it won't matter one bit whether or not anyone else does. And that is what I am working on right now. So keep me in your prayers and if anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to write them. I am open to anything that might help me on this journey.
God is good and He will help me through this. I believe it.